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23235 Burbank Blvd
Woodland Hills, CA, 91367

My Lane

This is my lane, it's about my human experience and the journey of spiritual and personal growth that I'm on.  Writing is often what I use to process what I'm going through and what I've learned.  My goal is for the experiences and lessons I've learned to resonate and help other people in their own journey. 

Filtering by Tag: Listening

Being a good listener is sexy!

Jessica Weir

 I think of myself as a good listener.  That may just be part of how my introverted brain works, but I know some introverts who are terrible listeners.  We can all learn to be good listeners.  I read and article on about listening and becoming a better listener by Gretchen Rubin. It gave some good tips and got me thinking about listening.  But what does being a good listener really mean? I've come to know through my training that there are 3 types of listening:

Level 1 Listening - Subjective
When whatever is said is related back to the listener.  It's all about the listener.  Everyday listening is usually subjective listening.  The listener can be distracted or is doing something else but says they're listening.  We all know someone like this or have been this person.
Me: "I had the hardest time getting up to go to the gym today."
Subjective Listener: "You just have to force yourself.  When that happens to me I say to myself that I'll feel better afterwards, no matter how tired I am."

Level 2 Listening - Objective
This is better than subjective listening in that the focus is fully on the person speaking.  The listener isn't thinking about themselves or their own life.
Me: "I had the hardest time getting up to go to the gym today."
Objective Listener:  "You struggled but you went.  Good for you!"

Level 3 Listening - Intuitive
This is the most powerful form of listening and allows the listener to really connect with the speaker.  The listener is using all sensory components and intuitively connecting to the real message.  They're paying attention to what is said and the speaker's tone of voice, energy level, feelings, body language, etc...including what isn't being said.  Level 3 is listening "between the lines". 
Me: "I had the hardest time getting up to go to the gym today."
Intuitive Listener: "It sounds like you're committed and want to do this but are so exhausted that you find it challenging and even frustrating."


What type of listener are you? Which response would you rather hear from your listener? Which response would you rather give as a listener? the type of listener you are is completely within your control.  Please comment and let us know how you listen and what changes you'd like to make.  I know for me, that some of the powerful experiences I've had come from being truly heard and validated.  Like most people, showing my vulnerable self doesn't come easily.  So when I am sharing something I really want to be heard, not just the words I'm saying, but all the other stuff too.  I want to be seen and understood and validated.  I'm sure you're familiar with that feeling of being shut down when someone only listened to you subjectively. They're on their cellphone when you're trying to tell them about your day.  Or it becomes all about them. At level 2 listening, there's the feeling of being mostly understood, but not always fully heard or validated. Those times you say in response "Yeah you're right, good for me." But there's still feelings that haven't been cleared away with that statement.  What they are might not be clear, but there's something unresolved.   When someone is able to listen to me fully with their complete attention and intuition, it's powerful.  When I knew I was truly being heard, it was profound.  I didn't even realize the things that were underneath until he told me, using his intuition about what he was hearing.  Being truly listened to gives me a feeling of relief, like a big sigh that I can actually tell this person the truth.  They'll hear me, and knowing that helps me go deeper into what is really going on.  I'm safe here, because they see and hear me.  For me, that's sexy as hell and one of the best traits of a good friend too.  

Sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable as the speaker and the listener, but that feeling is worth the risk.  I know I want to be listened to in such a deep intuitive way.  It's always my goal to listen that deeply as well.  I succeed most of the time, because I want to give other people the opportunity to tell their truth and be heard, because it is powerful and it feels so damn good.