Need a new perspective? Need to get out of your own way? I know I did. But how? I knew I needed to think about myself differently. I knew there must be other options out there but what the hell were they? When I was feeling incredibly stuck and couldn't see my way out, I really needed help seeing other options. I knew I needed to free myself from the negative way I thought about myself. That it was untrue and unfair. It's so hard to see how things could be different when all you've know for so long is that inner critic telling you that you don't know what you're doing, you're too quiet, too shy, too reserved, too abrasive, too insecure, too sad, blah blah blah. Intellectually I knew there was another way. Everyone else does not feel like this. Feeling scared to put myself out there, feeling terrified of being vulnerable. Feeling so stuck and helpless. The utter stagnation is so heavy, how do I change my perspective with that weighing down on me? I was self-aware enough to see what was happening but didn't know the way out that would work. I would try different success programs, mostly for actors. All the goal setting and planning in the world didn't work. I had all the intelligence, information, strategies, and ability to do the business side of acting. But I didn't do it for the most part. When I did it felt like such a struggle. At one of these seminars for actors, I remember asking the leader of the event, how do I stop sabotaging myself? And his answer was woefully inadequate. He said I needed to focus on the gaps between my thoughts, which was a technique he had shown us. Thanks, but that doesn't cut it. I needed to go deeper.
I would have such wonderful, powerful experiences in acting class or in school productions. I would feel so confident and sure of my talent and abilities. But when I was on my own, it wasn't fun anymore. Going to auditions was so difficult. I had to really push and talk myself into it. Sometimes, it was easy. I was excited and felt great and the audition went well and I'd get the part or not. Once, I almost gave up and went home before even walking into the building where the audition was held. But I talked myself out of that somehow and went in. And what do ya know, I got the part. It wasn't so bad. It's easy once you get going. What was I so afraid of?
The answer to that was much deeper than I had gone before. The doubt, insecurity, blame, and stagnation came from long held beliefs about myself. The thoughts fueled by these beliefs had been running on a loop in my mind, consciously and unconsciously, for decades. Even becoming aware of them was a challenge. Believe me, I had support and encouragement from family and friends. I had done a lot of work on myself already, but I really needed to dig deeper. I needed to be willing and ready to go there and I needed a guide.
After 8 years in NYC and about 10 years of acting and even more years of dreaming of being an actor but still feeling stuck,I was ready and willing to look deeper, and I had the right guide. When I was finally ready he showed up, and I invested in myself by signing up for his course. It was Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love and the course was Daily Love Mastery. With Mastin's help, over the length of the program, I was able to go deeper and hear from people who were doing the same. That community of support was a big part of it. It wasn't all actors either. It was all types of people working on that same deep level. Sharing their struggle, their pain, their humanity. The truth could be told and not be judged.
The choice I made to sign up and put the cost of the course on my credit card was scary but it was one of the best choices I've ever made. It gave me more tools and an experience of what the new way could be for me. It helped me see more options for myself. Mastin's response to self-sabotage is that it's crap. We don't wake up and say to ourselves, I'm gonna sabotage myself today. We're trying to protect ourselves, it's for survival. I find that way of thinking so much more empowering.
In continuing my journey with this new perspective I decided to become a coach. This again was a tough decision. Facing the uncertainty, the fear crept back up. It's goal has always been to protect me. To keep me getting hurt and risking failure. But I was in touch with a deeper part of myself, I like to call it my higher power. I was now even more aware of the connection I had to my higher power, to my heart, to my intuition. So on one hand, which was kind of shaky, was the fear telling me not to do it, to stay safe where I was. On the other hand, it was so clear, so steady and sure to me to enroll in a coaching program. That becoming a coach was the next right choice for me. From trusting it then, I can trust it even more now. I'm still learning and growing and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do that. I'm thankful I've made the choices I've made, for the risks I've taken and the lessons I've learned. I'm grateful for the protection, I needed it to survive, but not anymore. And honestly, I'm even thankful for the challenging times, the doubt, the fear. It gave me the opportunity to grow. I'm not saying I'd want to go through that again or that I'd make the same choices. Luckily that's not an option. I have what I've learned and what I know up to now and I'm very grateful for that, it helped me find my way. It gives me power. Now I feel so certain that this is my path and all that came before brought me here. I still get in my way sometimes, but I have the awareness and compassion to see it and keep going but without letting it steer. I'm the one who's in charge of creating my life and I'm grateful to myself for learning that and getting here. Onwards...